How to Not Run a Half Marathon

You probably read the headline for this post and thought, well, that’s easy; just don’t run it. Sure, that would be one way to avoid running a half marathon: Just don’t do it, to paraphrase the best ad slogan ever. Well, I’m not one to take the easy way out. I have a more difficult system that’s becoming an almost annual tradition, and I think I’m about to embark on it again.

Phoebe runs past Rachel in the park in an episode of "Friends."

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I’m planning to run a half marathon in the fall. I can’t say the name of the race because this half marathon has it in for me. We have a very dysfunctional relationship.

I like to have a big goal out in front of me in at least one area of life, and one of the best ways to do this is to find a race and sign up for it. Giving people money is more motivational than just planning a thing in your head.

This race, though. Every time I’ve signed up for it and started training, I’ve gotten injured and either had to downgrade to the 5K (which would’ve been cheaper to have signed up for in the first place) or not run at all. If I don’t run at all, I’m stuck with a T-shirt that I technically paid for but is a shirt of shame.

My Step-by-Step Plan for How to Not Run a Half Marathon

  • Check date for this year’s Race That Shall Not Be Named.
  • Put in Google calendar, hope race is not able to detect its name in calendar.
  • Download training plan, pin to bulletin board for motivation.
  • Start training, become confident I can complete race.
  • Go to website, register for race and give it $50.
  • Get injured, stop running.
  • Stay injured, lose hope of being able to finish race.
  • Resentfully pick up race packet, shake fist at race. Go home, shove race T-shirt in bottom of drawer until have enough emotional distance to use as training shirt.
  • Fail at emotional distance.
  • Donate shirt.
  • Repeat.

It’s not like I’m overtraining or have some bizarre Phoebe Buffet-ish running style that’s causing injuries. The main problem is not being in my 20s anymore and not being able to time-travel back to the time before my first 10k, when I trained by running 7 miles Every. Single. Night. My knees will not let go of their grudge about that. Also I started having to deal with bursitis in my hip a few years ago. Also apparently I have jangly foot bones, and walking all over Boston in sandals that time was a very bad idea.

I went to physical therapy for my hip and they gave me stretches and exercises that, honestly, didn’t help much. I like the stretches, but I’m not the kind of girl who’s gonna lie around on the floor doing Jane Fonda leg lifts all day. I like to lift weights. They said the hip flex machine didn’t help, but I believe my running form is better when I’m doing that, which helps keep me from aggravating my hip.

It’s All About the Shoes

I’ve also had to accept that I’m past the point of being able to buy whatever running shoes are cute and/or on sale. Fitness articles always say running is great because you don’t need special equipment; just lace up and go, which may be true when you’re 20 or just starting. Now I go to a good running store to get fitted by a pro. I’d love to recommend some shoes here, but everyone’s feet are different and shoe designs change so much every year now that I end up with a different brand every time. The only consistency seems to be that whichever design has the loudest, ugliest colors that least match my running clothes will be the shoe that fits best.

Collagen Powder

The real game changer for me has been collagen. I started putting collagen powder in my coffee every morning and almost immediately my hip and knee pain disappeared. I had pretty much given up running and now I’m able to run regularly. I use Ancient Nutrition Multi Collagen Protein Powder, which you can get in a canister or individual packets that are great for travel.

Training With a Plan

Of course, I’m not running 7 miles a night anymore, either. Now I use the Jeff Galloway method, which involves timed run-walk intervals and a plan to gradually work up to a half or marathon distance so you don’t get injured. Weirdly, I am not slower with the walk intervals, though I was always pretty slow to begin with. Galloway groups meet up for weekly runs in many cities and that’s a lot of fun, though they like to get up earlier than I do on Saturdays. You can find more info at www.jeffgalloway.com.

So, yeah, I think I’m going to give it another try. Right now I’m training for training, then I’ll start a 12-week training plan in a couple of months. Shhh, don’t tell The Race That Shall Not Be Named. I’m going to sneak up on it.

2 Comments

  1. Lael-Heart says:

    Finally! I have found another human with a similar running issue!
    I have tried soooo many times but my body is just like “Nope”
    Thanks for the tips, I’m going to try the collagen powder for sure. That sounds really promising.
    I could totally walk a half…and even a full, no problem but with those time limits that’s just not possible and damnit I want my medal and a proper finish line finale! Maybe I should create an event in which people can walk or run and take as long as they damn well please….

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know! Some events are more walker-friendly but there’s always a limit because they don’t want to wait while people stroll around for six hours. You should try the run/walking! Another thing is there are virtual races where you still get a medal. Some regular events have virtual races, and also goneforarun.com has virtual races for charity and you get a medal. Not sure if they have half marathons but I’ve done their 5Ks. I think you can take as long as you want with those.

      Liked by 1 person

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